I will not fall in love with you at once. No, I will gradually fall in love with you, fall in love with the little things. I like the way you laugh in the middle of the kiss sometimes and look at me like you can't believe what's going on. Or the way you approach in your sleep-clouded state and approach me as if you can't keep me close enough. Or just the way you look at me when we laugh; Laughing with you is my favorite. It is like looking directly into your core and seeing how truly vulnerable you can be; laughing with me and hoping not to break your heart. But what you don't know is that it could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.
I remember the day you asked me about my main hobbies before listing yours. You said these were your only businesses. They were outside the wall and nothing close to what I expected, but they were yours, they were part of you, they made you who you are. Opening to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I always saw the fierce uniqueness shining through you, but your list lit it up even more. I got hooked.
What I wanted you to see so much is that I am the girl who will be there for you when you need to remember how amazing you are, because life has convinced you otherwise. The girl who will appreciate any time she spends with you, simply because it is an opportunity to be close to you. I am the girl who will believe you when you say you want to "take it easy" to give us a chance to have something real. But I am also the girl who will defend herself instead of being trampled.
I guess no answer is enough to answer. I am not important enough to guarantee a simple and quick text message saying that you are not ready to hang out. I am not important enough to stay and wonder where this is going, because the answer is clearly a resounding "nowhere." It echoes on the walls built by the silence that has been placed between us so many weeks ago. I have finished waiting for an answer, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the back of your mind, there is a thought of me that will sound like someone is tapping a glass with their fingernail. A clear sound to undulate to the forefront of your consciousness and remind you that I am waiting ... but I will not stay any longer.
Waiting for something to never happen only promotes the stagnation of life, progression: it stops the future and what it has in store. What many others of our age forget to remember is this: love is not simply choosing to spend life with someone. He wakes up every day and makes the daily decision to spend the rest of his life with them. Love is not passive, it is an action, a daily choice. It is perpetual.
But the most important type of love is the one we most often neglect: self-love. I left that in my desperate search for love from you, and I lost sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So instead of sitting around waiting for a message from you that will probably never come, I choose myself every day. To wake up and remind myself that I am strong and worthy of being loved as I wanted to love you. Someday, I will receive that kind of love from someone else, someone capable of allowing me to love them.
